Just imagine...   

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago , You would have $49.00 today!   
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,You would have $33.00 today.   
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in  Lehman Brothers one year ago,  You would have $0.00 today.   
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago,drank all The beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for
recycling refund, You would have received $214.00.   
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.   
A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a Year. 
Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of Alcohol a year. 
That means that, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles To the gallon! 
  
Makes you damned proud to be an Aussie!

Better than a Flu Shot!  

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. 
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old  Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all  things, a condom! 
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

Drink & Drive
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and I had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one. 


Beginners luck
A pirate walks into a bar and the barman said: "hey you look terrible, what happened?"
"What, you mean the wooden leg?.... I was in a battle and a canon ball took my leg, but I feel fine now."
"OK "says the bartender, but what about the hook where your hand used to be?"
The pirate explained "We were in another battle and during a swordfight while boarding the other ship my hand was cut off, but I'm fine now, really."
"What about the eye patch?"
"Oh", said the pirate, "We were out at sea and a flock of birds flew over: I looked up, and one of them s**t in my eye."
"You're kidding " said the barman, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird s**t."
"It was my first day with the hook!"

Ducks in Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a Duck.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Visionary
A Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Australian Developer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen bloody minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'My goodness gracious I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, move it, time is money!'

The  Priest said, 'Here comes George the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the green keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. 
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.
The Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight!'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them!'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls!'

The Aussie Developer said, 'Why the Hell can't they play at night?'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This week's Irish
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

_______________________________________

Out of step
I ordered a mixed load of steers and heifers from the sales today through our local carrier who is also a long serving RFB member with a wicked sense of humour. On confirming the order and reflecting on the news of the day, his comment was ...... "Shouldn't they be all the same sex ? It seems to be all the go lately!" 

But the best one was back in the early 1990's when we invited an Urban Officer to give our adjoining brigades a talk on structural firefighting. After the talk and being a bit full of himself, the speaker tossed a hypothetical scenario to the gathering along the following lines... "Given the tremendous differences in training, equipment and firefighting methods, how on earth could Rural fireys be expected to tackle a fire on the 18th floor of a high-rise building?"
To which as quick as a flash our local carrier replied "Easy... we'd start our back-burn on the 17th floor !"

_________________________________________

A Soldier’s Wife Confesses
This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:
I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government
Underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago.
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office .
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers In full dress uniform with rifles,
Fire a 21-gun salute for the Prime Minister.
It was then that I realized how far Australia's military had deteriorated..
Every one of them missed.

____________________________________________

No Oil
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Australia.
Well, there can be several explanations.
~~~ Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~ We just didn't know we were getting  low.
~~~ The reason for that is purely geographical.
But in reality:
Our OIL is located  in:- Bass Strait, East Queensland Shale  Fields, Canning Basin, Perth  Basin and North-West Continental  Shelf.

But our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra.

Any questions ? 
NO.  I didn't think so. 

_________________________________________________

Quote of the week 
from Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary carefully weighing up the evidence on global warming.

"It is absolutely bizarre that the people who can't tell us what the <blank> weather will be next Tuesday can predict what the <blank> global temperatures will be in 100 years time. 
It's horse shit"

---------------------------------------------------------------

Our compensating brains 
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

_____________________________

Life in the Australian Army
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small    town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland). 

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This  one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya  gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best  the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot  5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. 

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Susan   

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11 People on a rope
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . . . . .

-------------------------------------------------------

It's a worry !
The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.
It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government (Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again.
Therefore the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep Farmers Association.
All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.   
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem, 'those dingo's ain't f---ing our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the NSW Forestry Service, the Greens and the other "tree huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".

----------------------------------------------------------

Shop Alone
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Supermarket.    
The husband picks up a case of XXXX Gold and puts it in their cart.    
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.    
'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans', he replies.    
'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.  
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of XXXX Gold and it's only half the price.' 
 
"HUSBAND DOWN,  AISLE 7 !!!"
------------------------------------------------------------

Wrong One     
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" 
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired." 
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!" 
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The tax system explained in beer. 
Can someone explain this to  Julia and Wayne for me please?
Suppose that every day, ten  men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to  $100...

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it  would go something like this...

The first four men (the  poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth  would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7..
The eighth would pay  $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest)  would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to  do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite  happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a  curve ball. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm  going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the  ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to  pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were  unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the  other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that  everyone would get his fair share?


They realized that $20  divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from  everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each  end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner  suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a  higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the  tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the  amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the  fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100%  saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The  seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now  paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14  instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of  $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before.  And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside  the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got  a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed  to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right,"  exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair  that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!"  shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got  only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute,"  yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all.  This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men  surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the  tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had  their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they  discovered something important. They didn't have enough money  between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys  and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax  system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will  naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too  much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up  anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the  atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no  explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no  explanation is  possible.

--------------------------------
Paddys’ Pigs

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, `Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?
’Paddy says, ‘Well Paddy, I’ll cut one a ta’ ears off my pig, and ten we can tell ‘em apart.’ ‘Ah tat’d be grand,’ says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house.
`Paddy,' he said, `your pig has chewed the ear offa my pig. Now we got two pigs with only one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?' `Well Paddy,' said Paddy, `I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs and only one of them will av an ear.' 'Ha tat'd be grand,' says Paddy. Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house. `Paddy' he said, `your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?' 'Ah tis is serious, Paddy,' said Paddy. `I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa
my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs with no ears, and only one tail.' `Ah tat'd be grand,' says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. `PADDY!' shouted Paddy, `your pig has chewed the tail offa my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails!!! How the hell are we gonna tell `em apart!!!!
`Ah booga it,' says Paddy. `How's about you have the black one and I'll have the white one.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Gates Vs General Motors

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,  
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon..' 
In  response to Bill ' s comments, General Motors issued a press  release stating: 
If  GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day. 
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.  
3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.  
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.  
I love the next one!!!  
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.  
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.  
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 
10. You'd have to press the  'Start' button to turn the engine off.  
PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call ' customer service ' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

CANNON BALLS!

DID YOU KNOW THIS?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey.
But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.
The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?
You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few intellectual friends.

Food for Thought:
Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies,
and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental
and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of
paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be
helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be
ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals
and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room,spiritual counselling, pool, and education,
simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a P.C., T.V., Radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room, and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope
of ever getting out.  Justice for all.

SCHOOL – 1957  vs. 2009
Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack...
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.
2009 - School goes into lock down, Tactical Response called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again..
Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.  
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. 
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School
Gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to Uni, and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.
State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
  
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.
Car searched for drugs and weapons. 

Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to Uni.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. 
Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.   
AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher.
English banned from core curriculum.       
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. 

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Cracker night, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.
1957 - Ants die.
2009- Tactical Response , Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. 
Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, Federal Police investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. 
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. 
Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job....She faces 3 years in Prison. 
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

This should be sent to every e-mail address to show how stupid we have become!

Think about it!

New Mexico chilli cook-off

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the  Santa Fe Plaza  .  

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting  from  Springfield , IL  .                                                                            

Frank:  "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off...  

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I  happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Cooks Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the  tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."                                                                             

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:        

CHILLI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILLI 
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour.  Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could  remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the  flames out.
I hope that's the worst one.  These New Mexicans are crazy.  

CHILLI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang. 
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what  I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manouvre.  They had to rush in more beer  when they saw the look on my face. 

CHILLI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli.  Great kick..
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my  backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer.                                                                            

CHILLI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC 
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice.  Disappointing. 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the beer maid,  was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300 lb.  Woman is starting to look HOT ...  Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chilli an aphrodisiac?  

CHILLI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli.  Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed  paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off..  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them..                        

CHILLI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli.  Good balance of  spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.....Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it  will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. 

CHILLI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of  chilli peppers at the last moment.  **I should take note that I am worried  about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing  uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I  wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds  like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chilli, which  slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing.  It's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting  any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach

CHILLI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILLI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed  out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself.  Not sure  if he's going to make it.  Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?                                                           

Judge # 3 -- No report.    

Interesting Historical Trivia 

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water 
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s: 

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee 
in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......

if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor" 
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford 
to buy a pot...........

they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low. 

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in 
May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.

However, since they were starting to smell . .. .

brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. 
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. 

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the 
house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

then all the other sons and men, 
then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies. By then the water was so 
dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

 Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!" 

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood 
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm,

so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes

the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." 

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs

and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top 
afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence. 

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. 
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the 
winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep 
their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you 
opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.

A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. 

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?) 

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that 
always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. 
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.

They would eat the stew for dinner, 
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over 
the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:

Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the 
pot nine days old. 

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. 
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to 
share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat. 

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. 
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, 
tomatoes were considered poisonous. 

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of 
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust. 

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would 
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.

Someone walking along the road would take them for dead

and prepare them for burial.

They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake. 

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of 
places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a 
bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they 
had been burying people alive.

So they would tie a string on the wrist of the 
corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it 
to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night

(the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell;

thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was 
considered a dead ringer... 

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! ! 

So . . get out there and educate someone!

Share these facts with a friend like I just did! ! !

And that's how the fight started ! 

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started...

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's how the fight started...

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started...

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of XXXX Light
for $24.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started...

Postal Service Recall:

Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of Anna Bligh.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the Premier, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in spending, a special commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

Could affect the Opinion Poles!!! 

 On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffered to Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen over.
 As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that someone has "peed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY SUCKS".
 Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense spared" and to report within two weeks.
 Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ...."our investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".
 Well says kevvy give me the good news.
 The head of ASIO says......we spent $5 million dollars on the investigation and have come to a successful result.
 Well says Kev what's the bad news ?
 The head of ASIO says "the DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's".
 Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.
 Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"
 The ASIO chief replies..."the hand writing is Julia Gillards".

The Emu

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,  'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A  hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says  the emu.
Shortly the wait! ress brings the order and says, 'That will be  $32.60.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says  the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's  brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is! always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

Subject: Computer Problem 

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'  
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that?  In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned.  'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:       I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh**t.

The financial crisis explained in simple terms.............................
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin.
In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later.
She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar.
Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages.
Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS.
These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.
However they cannot pay back the debts.
Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %
The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation.
Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.
The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand...

Women are so much better at financial planning than men
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the  family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his  fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful  woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will  die, and I'll
inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,  she became his stepmother.

In Memoriam 
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

________________________________

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

_________________________________

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
___________________________________

Gotta laugh
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks'.
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in four weeks'.
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another,
and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.
The Aussie doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take two arseholes out of Brisbane, put them in Canberra
and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'

New Policy 

Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

Football Follower
 
Two boys in Sydney were playing football when one of the boys is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar,
and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A Sydney Morning Herald reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Swans Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Swans fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in Sydney I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again.
"Roosters Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack!" he jots in his notebook.

"I'm not a Roosters fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter starts again: "Blues supporter risks life in heroic rescue!"

"I'm not a Blues fan either," the boy responds.

"I assumed everyone in Sydney was either for the Swans, Roosters or the Blues.
What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks.

"We are both from Brisbane and I'm a Maroons fan,"the boy says cheerfully.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little Redneck Cane Toad Bastard Vandalises Fence and Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Calling his bluff

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation that took place in October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and some British authority. The transcript was released by the MoD.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITS: We are a lighthouse. F--k off.

Maori eggs
(thanks to a kiwi firey for sending this one in)
 Two Maori lads are riding along the motorway on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Maori lads ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Maori lads he has to leave. "Hey Bro" they say "gissa f....kn lift".  The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Maori lads put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.  Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Maori eggs.  The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.  He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many Officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Maori eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

The Pal Diet
A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer

I was in K-Mart buying a large bag of Pal for my Labrador and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Everyone needs a tree 

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

True story
Whilst building our house in 1981 a local resident 2.5 metre carpet snake caught the eye of one of the brickies on the job who asked if he could borrow the snake to give his wife a surprise.
Conditional to having the snake returned unharmed the unsuspecting subject was placed into a spud-bag and taken home that night, dropped on the kitchen table supposedly as Springbrook grown spuds to be peeled for dinner.
Needless to say poor wife upon enthusiastically untying the bag got the fright of her life.
Next morning the snake was returned still in the bag and during my absence was dropped into the rear of my landcruiser by the brickie who forgot to mention he'd done so.
I had arranged to take the landcruiser up to Brisbane that day for a trade-in on a new vehicle, so the trip proceeded according to plan except the snake found a way out of the bag and quietly made his way up under the dashboard.
On reaching the motor dealer's premisis the salesman asked if he could take the vehicle for a test drive.
So off he went down Logan Road, drove about 200metres, and went fumbling into the glovebox to check out the service logbook.
The vehicle came to a screaming halt whereby the door flew open and he fell out onto the roadway, picked himself up and ran back in a very distressed state unable to speak for a period and then stammered "Sssssssnake in the glovebox !!!!"
Sure enough, the snake's head was in the glovebox but the body was firmly wound around the steering column and in amongst the electrical wiring.
Anybody who has encountered trying to remove a snake in this type of situation knows it's better to leave it find it's own way out.
Needless to say the trade-in did not occur that day and the well-travelled snake subsequently named "Houdini" eventually extricated himself and became the resident of our garage roof for many years, eventually reaching a length of  5 metres.
Cheers
Sysop

Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!!
It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
He got another urge.
This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next few minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

The chicken , the lion and the bear
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Says the chicken: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet shit's itself."

A Wise Tale
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."

Well now, you see it's like this....

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.
In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....
So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.
The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.
If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?

Let's hear it for the Oz male !

On a recent trans Tasman flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this
plane Who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
..........One button at a time.
..........No one moves.
..........Everyone is transfixed.
..........He removes his shirt.
..........Muscles ripple across his chest.
.........She gasps...
.........He whispers...

"Here ya go luv - iron this and then go get me a beer...."

Kid's logic

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and cat.
The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl says.
The fire fighter notices the little girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, " I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but... then I wouldn't have a siren,"

Interstate Relations

Four guys are driving cross-country together, one from South Australia, one from Tassie, one from Queensland, and the last one is from Victoria.
A bit down the road the Tasmanian starts to pull apples from his bag and throws them out the window. The South Australian turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The Tasmanian says, "Mate, we have so many of these damned things in Tassie they're lying around on the ground. I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the South Australian begins pulling bottles of wine from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The Queenslander asks "What are you doing that for?"
The South Australian replies, "Man, we have so much of this damn stuff in South Australia I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the Queenslander opens the car door and pushes out the Victorian.

RURAL COMPUTER TERMS 

In this day and age, computers are becoming a way of life. They run electrical systems, are used in just about every business to some degree, and a lot of households now have one, if only for the kids to use in the production of their homework. Well, they are now intruding into the rural areas, and farmers and graziers are now using them to help with their primary industry. The following are a list of computer terms, which we felt may help those who are unfamiliar with computers. At least this way, you will understand what the kids are talking about when they tell you that the hard drive has crashed when they were downloading something off the internet.

Log On: Make the Barbie hotter.

Log Off: Don’t add any more wood.

Monitor: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.

Download:   Get the firewood off the ute.

Floppy Disc: What you get lifting too much firewood at once.

Hard Drive:   Camooweal to Birdsville.

Window: What you shut when it’s cold.

Screen: What you shut in the mozzie season.

Byte:   What mozzies do.

Bit: What mozzies did.

Megabyte:     What Townsville mozzies do.

Chip:   A bar snack.

Micro chip: What’s left in the bag after you have eaten the chips.

Modem: What you did to the paddocks.

Dot Matrix: Old man Matrix’s wife.

Laptop: Where the cat sleeps.

Software: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

Hardware: Real knives and forks.

Mouse: What eats the grain in the shed

Mainframe: What holds the shed up.

Interface: What happens when you spit out the window.

Web:        What spiders make.

Web Site: The shed or under the verandah.

Cursor: The old bloke who swears a lot.

Search Engine: What you do when the ute won’t go.

Upgrade: A steep hill.

Server: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

Mail Server: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

Sound Card: The bower wins the hand of 500.

User:        The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

Network: When you have to repair your fishing net.

Internet: Complicated fish net repair method.

Netscape: When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net.

Off Line: The one that got away.

On Line: When the fish is hooked.

So now there is no excuse for you not to know all about computers, and to help the kids if they have a problem. Happy computering.

Opportunity

A well known long term unemployed fellow walked into the local unemployment office, marched straight up to the counter and said "G'day mate, I'm lookin' for a job.".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided.
Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is $200,000 a year.".
The fellow said "Nah, you're tellin' me bullshit!".
The man behind the counter said "Well you bloody well started it!".

Legless
An Irishman had been drinking all night at the local when the bartender called "time gentlemen please".
Paddy stands up and falls flat on his face.
Tries again ...same result , so he decides to crawl outside for a breath of fresh air.
Once again he tries to stand and again falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl 4 blocks home , crawls up the stairs to the bedroom , tries to stand and falls into bed and passes out.
Next morning his wife wakes him shouting "So you've been out boozing again !".
"What makes you say that " exclaims Paddy.
"The pub called , you left your wheelchair there again".

Email of the week

Top o' the mornin' to you
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
Being Irish we don't have too much programming experience, so this Virus
works on the honour system. Please delete all the files on your hard
drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Paddy

Logical

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
I reckon he's an accountant. No way - he's a stockbroker.
He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ...Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Oh! What's that then?
I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
It's in a pond!
Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Yep! Four nights a week!
Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Me? Never
Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
How's that then?
Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Yep! He's a logical scientist!
What's that then?
I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Nope

Well then, you're a wanker.

Necessities of life

A workaholic finally decided to take a long overdue vacation. He booked an Island cruise and was having the time of his life...
until the boat sank! He found himself swept onto a desert island. Six lonely months later, he is lying on the beach when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.
"Where did you come from?" he asks.
"I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my ship sank" she says.
"Amazing". "You were really lucky to have a row-boat wash up with you".
"Oh this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were carved from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a mango tree".
"But that's impossible," stutters the man, "You had no tools. How did you manage?"
"Oh, no problem", replies the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools." The guy is stunned.
"Lets row over to my place." She says. She docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow.
"It's not much but I call it home," she says. "Would you like another drink?"
"No thank you," he says still dazed. "Can't take any more of that coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have my own still. How about a Pina Colada while I slip into something more comfortable." She returns wearing nothing but vines and a strategically placed shell necklace.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here a long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months," her hands sliding over his legs.
He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck! "You mean." he gasps, "I can actually check my e-mail from here?"

Good Sport

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the highway for a
nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what
was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle went
over 120 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing  blue lights behind him.
There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened
her up further. The needle hit 140,160 ... then the reality of the
situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled
over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it
the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's
Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse
for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a
cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

ORGANIZATIONS

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys , all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up , some down .
Others just swing from limb to limb at the same level .
The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces .
The monkeys at the bottom look up and see nothing but arseholes.

Couldn't resist this one

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how short dat runway is".
"You're not kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see"
said Paddy.
"You're not kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how wide it is".

Financial incentive
Then there was the case of the brigade who shall remain nameless whose crew in an old utility arrived ahead of the firetruck at a fast-moving grass fire that was heading toward a plant nursery.
The property owner when advising the brigade of the fire offered a $1000 incentive for the brigade to protect his nursery and was amazed to see the ute screaming down the hill , shot past the nursery and straight into the fire wherein the members jumped out and proceeded to beat out the flames with their yellow overalls .
With the arrival of the fire truck the fire was eventually contained and the nursery saved , resulting in the greatful owner presenting a cheque for $1000 to the crew and enquiring.......
"What are you going to spend the money on ?"...........
The unanimous response was ....... "Fixing up the brakes on that bloody utility !"

The resourceful immigrant
A man came into a greengrocers shop in Brisbane and asked for HALF a lettuce .
The young shop assistant said he would have to ask the manager as lettuce was sold by the head.
He walked into the back room and said to the manager "there's an idiot out there who wants to buy half a lettuce" , as he finished the statement he realized that the customer had followed behind him so he quickly added , "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half ":
The manager OK'd the deal and the customer went on his way.
Later the manager called the shop assistant in and said "you almost got yourself into trouble before but I must say that I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it . You think on your feet and we like that around here . Where do you come from son ?"
"New Zealand sir "
"You're Joking - why did you leave ?"
"Because they're all whores and rugby players over there"
"My wife is from New Zealand !!!"
"Really sir , and what team did she play for ?"

Here's a True story of the going ons in Childers.

A short while ago, there was a large 4-day fire a few towns away. A few of
our guys were sent to help with the fire. Two fellows and an appliance
were sent to a house to evacuate the occupants, and remain to patrol the
house. After a while being there, the owner came back from his fishing
trawling business. The fireys explained what had happened whilst he was
gone, and he then gave them a few sandcrabs to keep them going while they
were on duty. After their shift was over, they came back to the Childers
Fire Station, crab shells and all. One of the fireys at the station noted
that there was crab shells and wanted to know where they had come from.
The firey on the truck told him that the fire had come so close to the
river that it had boiled and cooked the crabs, and that there was still
crabs floating all over the river. The next thing anyone saw was the
firey heading over the horizon in his ute to pick up as many crabs as he
could!

MaT

And you thought you had it tough !
The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark."

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.

"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord  "Oh, forgive me" ,said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience. The Department of Natural Resources required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. The EPA required an environmental impact study concerning the flood. The Council Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. The Taxation Office seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough women. I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."

Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth"
"I'm too late, said the Lord. "The government already has".

Yet another Shaggy-dog yarn !

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads,
"Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar note. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus.
The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs.
Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, the bag still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.
He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!  There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as the local fire chief opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the chief responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Court Transcript:
Lawyer asks, "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A. "NO."
Q. "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A. "NO."
Q. "Did you check for breathing?"
A. "NO."
Q. "So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A. "No"
Q. "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A. "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q. "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A. "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere I suppose."

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